Juxtapose

If someone were to ask me what I love about you, I would certainly mention how much you are the opposite of me. The funny instances how you kindly call dumbass people ‘weird’ then I chime in with my claws out, sink my nammer fangs in, and fill in all the expletives.

You are water. I am fire. You are calm. I am chaos. You are birds chirping on a sunny day. I am firecrackers at 6am on a Monday morning. You are a field of spring meadows. I am a dark alley after midnight. You are an upbeat rnb song. I am a melancholy indie track with side swept bangs. You are a slow and steady walk in the park. I am a maze in a rush. You are pretty easy going. I am ocd and stubborn af. You are unwavering positivity and patience. I am the middle finger stuck in traffic…hungry. You are simply so thoughtful and kind. I am … well lucky. hahaha

It’s in the power of these opposites that my darkness meets the spectrum of your light. That my circle of trust and valuable relationships are born and relishing of connections grow. And it is in the few similarities that we meet, hold hands, and are able to understand and wholeheartedly embrace all the contents our palms have held on to and let go of. It’s in the contrast that I learn most what we are about together and as singular individuals. The moments we drive each other bananas are also the most fruitful of ones. :p

Of all things that have scraped and scarred my palms, of all things my palms have learned to let go of, you make up for everything that wasn’t worth keeping and holding on to (and then some.)

From day one, I appreciate that I didn’t have to chip away at a single layer of ego or issue to get to your heart or to learn your story. It has always been wide open by choice, all accepting smiling back at me. We never had facades, just our flaws and raw honesty upfront: I adore how our imperfections sit comfortably in it’s own skin.

You are like my favorite pair of sweat pants, pj pants, legging pants, buffet pants, anything with an elastic waist band really. You lovingly accommodate my extra extra when the stretch is needed and are the most comfortable emotional attire I wear proudly. You make me feel like the most special pair of pants in a room full of dresses.

Above all, as I write this, I realise you are my heart’s most beautiful juxtapose. I am grateful knowing the other (very) different part of me is you.

Happy 34 my Alibae, wishing you another beautiful birthday and year ahead. XO

 

#34 #birthday #celebration #you #tna #manchestertan #lettuce #201

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33

🎈33: thanks for the extra white hairs coming in, the assortment of fine (frown and laugh) lines in my expression, my molasses like metabolism, and the little surprises with the ache in my joints and spasm in my muscles. talk about body party. thanks for the humble reminder that everything I do to attempt to keep you healthy, is really to delay deterioration and how eating spicy ass food has it’s dire consequences. on a side note, thanks for my extra durable colon. Inspite of all the visible signs, I wouldn’t trade you for my teens nor twenties because teenagers smell weird and growing as a 30 something has been the best and most valuable years yet. You’ve taught me plenty in 2016. As a result, I feel more ‘planted’ than ever because my feet knows where it consciously chooses to stand, with my head and heart assertively leading the way.

I looked into the mirror this morning as you whispered softly “dim sum chicken feet” into my ears. With bated breath, I made it happen and chicken feet is what was had. dreams do come true. you’re welcome. :p

With no makeup and morning breath that can kill a house plant, it was still a solid feeling simply being able to recognize my own reflection not for it’s shell or external condition, but what I know to be true on the inside deep down into my bones. you’ve grounded me.

above all, the best (and hardest) lesson you teach me every single year as the years add on is that “the only way out is through.” there are no shortcuts and if there is one, it’s likely a cliff ahead without a warning sign, lol

here’s to another beautiful 365… Thanks alistair for a day of obesity eats & these blizzard cupcakes. xx

Junkie

Hi, my name is Terry and I am a recovering feelings addict.

I grew up craving for a fix every single day.

I was hungry for sentiments not expressed.

I was starving for the physical evidence & emotional proof that I was loved.

I didn’t know how hungry I was until I painfully realized I didn’t have the heart to stomach what I was not being fed by those responsible for me.

Perhaps I was fed, but it was barely enough to sustain and nourish my heart’s appetite.

If I was loved, it must have been spoken in a language I could not speak, read, write, nor understand.

I felt illiterate and intuitively knew this would be a subject I will be struggling with in life.

If it was sent in a message, I must have not received it, or received it too late, too soon, or in a way my self worth interpreted otherwise than it was intended it to be.

Then one day I looked in the mirror and it dawned on me: I had to find a way to fend for and feed myself.

And like all junkies do, I binged and got addicted to all things bad for me.

I got lost in chasing a feeling leaving all of my common senses behind.

I didn’t listen to my pain or admit that I needed help.

I abandoned anything that was honest enough to tell me I deserved better …and more.

I abandoned the one person who needed me most: Me.

It wasn’t until I got very sick that I had to learn what was unhealthy for my heart and my soul.

And so, I committed myself to sit in a chair 5 days a week and spoke honestly about my addiction, about who I was, … and I wrote about it.

I learned to pursue my purpose, not people.

I learned to stop chasing the false sense of security that never was, the so called “highs,” and how to embrace my sobriety in my own skin.

I learned to choose myself.

I learned how to choose love.

And above all, I learned how to choose to love me first.

I am now 32 years old, and 3 years clean.

Learning The Ropes

When woven rope becomes the thing in which you use to climb instead of a game of tug of war you can never win.

When the force of your own stubborn grip, leaves your hands completely scraped raw and scarred, baring the honest resemblance of all the reasons why you should no longer hold on.

You bare it.

Bare the familiar sting and you accept the nature of the injury as some sort of everyday comfort you breath in and out suffocating, as if the discomfort that was trying to tell you something worth learning wasn’t enough.

Pain whispers little grains of salt into your wounds challenging your heart’s threshold.

Did you learn?

Did you even listen?

When the illusion of the fruitful climb, is really the laws of gravity telling you the higher you climb, the harder you’ll fall.

When truth smacks you dab right in front of your face and tells you it’s who you climb for… more than why you climb.

Know the difference my dear.

Know that you can climb a mole hill or an entire mountain for someone and they still wouldn’t appreciate your efforts if they fail to appreciate you.

Here’s the thing, you have the be the reason you climb. Let the reason be you – For when you hold on, you know you’re holding on to your needs.

Respect yourself enough so that your knees won’t fall to beg, you will fall because you needed to learn and the rope was there all along to help you pull yourself up not intended to tie you down.

Is that enough reason for you to let go when it’s no longer worth holding on?

Or will you just loosen the grip until the pain forces your hand to release?

Will you release? Or will you wait for the pain to release you?

Whether the rope is used as a noose, the pull, or the climb: How hard you stubbornly choose to hold on, how gracefully you choose to let go, or how determined you are to use it for the climb… is for you to decide.

That’s the beauty and also the beast: Our decision is always our own to make.

So learn the ropes and use it accordingly.

Hard Work

I believe in HARD WORK.

I believe that people who do more and say less get shit done. I believe people who carry consistency and hard work on their backs are well aware that results come from the labor not the lazy. They have very little time for bullshit and b*tches. :p I believe that people like this know that anything worth having doesn’t come easy even when the ground feels like quick sand, they challenge that sinking feeling. I believe people who follow through even through the darkest of days is not only a reflection of who they are but the depth of their faith.

I’ve seen strong. It has an indestructible backbone. It’s opinion doesn’t hinder. It admits when its wrong, it stands up for what it believes to be right. It takes accountability and takes charge. It doesn’t compromise who it is for acceptance nor approval. It has many layers, and pillars helping it stand tall no matter what external elements try to tear it down or discourage it’s process. It is basically not to be f*cked with annnnnd has the nicest purse collection & hair. :p

Behind it’s fierceness also exists a softness that doesn’t make an appearance too often but when it does… its rare, special, and breathtakingly beautiful like a solar eclipse. It has the kind of heart that reminds me that beyond hard exteriors and behind tough words ALWAYS lies so much more than strength but what’s on the other side of the coin. It reminds me that such strength only exists because it’s been tested. And yes, when this kind of strength cries, it has the ability to move an entire house.

If you were to ask me, YOU represent all of the above.

It’s not every day that we see each other, but it’s in everyday that I know “You are the company you keep.” The quality of my thoughts is in large part who and what I surround myself with. You have always been a positive and bright setting in the backdrop.

We are all building our worlds quietly, constructing a life worth living. From a spectator’s point of view and where I stand, you’ve always simply knew where you stood in this world. And because you do, I don’t see anything or anyone deter you from where you are going and want to be. Strength, happiness, and a sense of who we are is a 24/7 inside job and must be earned. I can’t tell you how much I respect how hard you work, not just academically but on who you are as a person, designing the life you want. I know one person who would be especially proud of you today because you are a shining extension of her kindness, beauty…her.

Never stop SHINING Guuuurl, esp. with that conditioner you’re using. :p

You are three decades young and just getting started! Today I wish you the best of days and of course wishing you the most beautiful year ahead! ~ HAPPY DIRTY THIRTY HARPO!!! I know you have too much class but it won’t hurt to be a BIG DIRTY WHORE just for today! 😛 lol

XOXO ~ Terwinder

Humble Success

The December ‘baby’ FINALLY turns the BIG THIRTY! Guuurl, I would tell you to make it dirty, but you’re married, so lucky for Jimmy to be at the receiving end. :p We’ve known each other awhile now, & although I don’t get to see you as often, I’ve come to learn three admirable qualities about you I have always respected: You’re quiet in your ambition, loud in your results, & remain humble in your success.

You have a way about you that never fails to make things look easy, but I do know behind your laid back sense of grace… is a hardworking, determined mind consistently reaching for the stars. You may be awkwardly stiff in your expression of love, but I’ve come to embrace your hugs. Because sheit, if I don’t use my arms, and you don’t use your arms, we’re pretty much two human standing poles. :p You care in your own way, love in your own language, & are an incredibly kind & warm person inside out even with them armless hugs. 🙂

Just as you do at the gym, everything you lift, you lift in life with pure heart. Now let me shred some cheese on them abs guuurl. Meow.

Happy 30th Jaskiran!!! Wishing you an amazing year ahead filled with sunny days. May all that you put forth into the world as a teacher, wife, friend, sister, daughter, gym beast, etc. wholeheartedly come back to you tenfold. Heart you!

XO,
Terwinder

Luck

It’s like I went to the corner store, decided to pick up a scratch and win, scratched it, and there it was, your face on the winning ticket. Luck found me.

I win because our friendship feels as effortless as our conversation. I win because there is no other single person who can be as honest with me, to borderline offensive and get away with it like you do. :p I win because if ever my buttons were there for anyone to push, it would be for you… but in all of the right ways and reasons. I win because nothing said between us needs to be sugar coated nor filtered, and nothing you say to me can ever be too trite. I win because its as though your sass did the tango with my sarcasm and together our special little banter was born.

You are with certainty, one of the best people in my life. A person who has never given up on me, always there to see me through. A person who understands me like nobody else with all of my flaws, all of my crazy, and who just gets it. You have this rare, magical, charismatic tendency to make me smile and mean it, laugh when I want to cry, and always care unconditionally. Whether I’m crawling, dragging my feet, pacing myself, walking, or full on balls to the wall running with everything in me, I can’t remember a time where you weren’t there rooting for me at the finish line. Your support is unwavering.

If you ask me, a soul mate doesn’t necessarily have to be the one you end up with, but the people who are there with you until the very end. And that’s who you are to me, have always been, and will continue to be.

Lastly, no matter how many losses we/I may endure in life – I will always be holding the winning ticket in hand because I have you as my friend. I really meant it when I said, any other guy to enter my life will just have to accept being 2nd place. :p

HAPPY DIRRTTAAY 30 Bestie, I love you! xo

Ok, I’ll save the rest for your BIG day! 🙂