Junkie

Hi, my name is Terry and I am a recovering feelings addict.

I grew up craving for a fix every single day.

I was hungry for sentiments not expressed.

I was starving for the physical evidence & emotional proof that I was loved.

I didn’t know how hungry I was until I painfully realized I didn’t have the heart to stomach what I was not being fed by those responsible for me.

Perhaps I was fed, but it was barely enough to sustain and nourish my heart’s appetite.

If I was loved, it must have been spoken in a language I could not speak, read, write, nor understand.

I felt illiterate and intuitively knew this would be a subject I will be struggling with in life.

If it was sent in a message, I must have not received it, or received it too late, too soon, or in a way my self worth interpreted otherwise than it was intended it to be.

Then one day I looked in the mirror and it dawned on me: I had to find a way to fend for and feed myself.

And like all junkies do, I binged and got addicted to all things bad for me.

I got lost in chasing a feeling leaving all of my common senses behind.

I didn’t listen to my pain or admit that I needed help.

I abandoned anything that was honest enough to tell me I deserved better …and more.

I abandoned the one person who needed me most: Me.

It wasn’t until I got very sick that I had to learn what was unhealthy for my heart and my soul.

And so, I committed myself to sit in a chair 5 days a week and spoke honestly about my addiction, about who I was, … and I wrote about it.

I learned to pursue my purpose, not people.

I learned to stop chasing the false sense of security that never was, the so called “highs,” and how to embrace my sobriety in my own skin.

I learned to choose myself.

I learned how to choose love.

And above all, I learned how to choose to love me first.

I am now 32 years old, and 3 years clean.

Learning The Ropes

When woven rope becomes the thing in which you use to climb instead of a game of tug of war you can never win.

When the force of your own stubborn grip, leaves your hands completely scraped raw and scarred, baring the honest resemblance of all the reasons why you should no longer hold on.

You bare it.

Bare the familiar sting and you accept the nature of the injury as some sort of everyday comfort you breath in and out suffocating, as if the discomfort that was trying to tell you something worth learning wasn’t enough.

Pain whispers little grains of salt into your wounds challenging your heart’s threshold.

Did you learn?

Did you even listen?

When the illusion of the fruitful climb, is really the laws of gravity telling you the higher you climb, the harder you’ll fall.

When truth smacks you dab right in front of your face and tells you it’s who you climb for… more than why you climb.

Know the difference my dear.

Know that you can climb a mole hill or an entire mountain for someone and they still wouldn’t appreciate your efforts if they fail to appreciate you.

Here’s the thing, you have the be the reason you climb. Let the reason be you – For when you hold on, you know you’re holding on to your needs.

Respect yourself enough so that your knees won’t fall to beg, you will fall because you needed to learn and the rope was there all along to help you pull yourself up not intended to tie you down.

Is that enough reason for you to let go when it’s no longer worth holding on?

Or will you just loosen the grip until the pain forces your hand to release?

Will you release? Or will you wait for the pain to release you?

Whether the rope is used as a noose, the pull, or the climb: How hard you stubbornly choose to hold on, how gracefully you choose to let go, or how determined you are to use it for the climb… is for you to decide.

That’s the beauty and also the beast: Our decision is always our own to make.

So learn the ropes and use it accordingly.

Hard Work

I believe in HARD WORK.

I believe that people who do more and say less get shit done. I believe people who carry consistency and hard work on their backs are well aware that results come from the labor not the lazy. They have very little time for bullshit and b*tches. :p I believe that people like this know that anything worth having doesn’t come easy even when the ground feels like quick sand, they challenge that sinking feeling. I believe people who follow through even through the darkest of days is not only a reflection of who they are but the depth of their faith.

I’ve seen strong. It has an indestructible backbone. It’s opinion doesn’t hinder. It admits when its wrong, it stands up for what it believes to be right. It takes accountability and takes charge. It doesn’t compromise who it is for acceptance nor approval. It has many layers, and pillars helping it stand tall no matter what external elements try to tear it down or discourage it’s process. It is basically not to be f*cked with annnnnd has the nicest purse collection & hair. :p

Behind it’s fierceness also exists a softness that doesn’t make an appearance too often but when it does… its rare, special, and breathtakingly beautiful like a solar eclipse. It has the kind of heart that reminds me that beyond hard exteriors and behind tough words ALWAYS lies so much more than strength but what’s on the other side of the coin. It reminds me that such strength only exists because it’s been tested. And yes, when this kind of strength cries, it has the ability to move an entire house.

If you were to ask me, YOU represent all of the above.

It’s not every day that we see each other, but it’s in everyday that I know “You are the company you keep.” The quality of my thoughts is in large part who and what I surround myself with. You have always been a positive and bright setting in the backdrop.

We are all building our worlds quietly, constructing a life worth living. From a spectator’s point of view and where I stand, you’ve always simply knew where you stood in this world. And because you do, I don’t see anything or anyone deter you from where you are going and want to be. Strength, happiness, and a sense of who we are is a 24/7 inside job and must be earned. I can’t tell you how much I respect how hard you work, not just academically but on who you are as a person, designing the life you want. I know one person who would be especially proud of you today because you are a shining extension of her kindness, beauty…her.

Never stop SHINING Guuuurl, esp. with that conditioner you’re using. :p

You are three decades young and just getting started! Today I wish you the best of days and of course wishing you the most beautiful year ahead! ~ HAPPY DIRTY THIRTY HARPO!!! I know you have too much class but it won’t hurt to be a BIG DIRTY WHORE just for today! 😛 lol

XOXO ~ Terwinder

Luck

It’s like I went to the corner store, decided to pick up a scratch and win, scratched it, and there it was, your face on the winning ticket. Luck found me.

I win because our friendship feels as effortless as our conversation. I win because there is no other single person who can be as honest with me, to borderline offensive and get away with it like you do. :p I win because if ever my buttons were there for anyone to push, it would be for you… but in all of the right ways and reasons. I win because nothing said between us needs to be sugar coated nor filtered, and nothing you say to me can ever be too trite. I win because its as though your sass did the tango with my sarcasm and together our special little banter was born.

You are with certainty, one of the best people in my life. A person who has never given up on me, always there to see me through. A person who understands me like nobody else with all of my flaws, all of my crazy, and who just gets it. You have this rare, magical, charismatic tendency to make me smile and mean it, laugh when I want to cry, and always care unconditionally. Whether I’m crawling, dragging my feet, pacing myself, walking, or full on balls to the wall running with everything in me, I can’t remember a time where you weren’t there rooting for me at the finish line. Your support is unwavering.

If you ask me, a soul mate doesn’t necessarily have to be the one you end up with, but the people who are there with you until the very end. And that’s who you are to me, have always been, and will continue to be.

Lastly, no matter how many losses we/I may endure in life – I will always be holding the winning ticket in hand because I have you as my friend. I really meant it when I said, any other guy to enter my life will just have to accept being 2nd place. :p

HAPPY DIRRTTAAY 30 Bestie, I love you! xo

Ok, I’ll save the rest for your BIG day! 🙂

3 Decades: Turning 30

Inside Job…

Discomfort found my ass this year, gave me a big unwelcomed bear hug and I learned to hug it back & not let it go.

30 has been all about running towards something – Literally. :p Of all places, I found comfort in the discomfort, and pride in the progress and consistency. Each kilometer has breathed life back into me. I no longer feel winded by the up hills, down hills, long distances, pressure, pace, or the daunting task of the first big step. Instead, the greatest little victories came in the form of every step I choose to continue to take there after that keeps me going strong. It has left me riding on a runner’s high that I refuse to come down from.

Little victories are not loud, glamorous, arrogant, shiny, flawless, simple, sweat proof, nor are they effortless & unearned with a 1st place red ribbon attached. They’re long winded, quiet, smelly, chaotic, sweaty, teary, laced with fears, trial and error, emotional, and full of effort often attached to some form of heartache & failure.

But the thing is though, I learned it is patiently waiting to be humbly earned, discovered, and cannot wait to give a great big ass bear hug to those willing to hug it back.

Victory becomes unconditional to those who have braved the storm and weathered the elements. Without a before, the after wouldn’t be as fruitful, rewarding, & sweet. We may look & smell like complete sh*t, but the evolution from the inside feels beautiful even in the midst of all the wind & rain whipping in our face reminding us the necessity of a downpour to splash us awake.

To everyone running your own course, faced with a long winding road ahead, & deeply tested this year… I too hope I can be as much support and love for you at the finish line as much as you have wholeheartedly been for me. Of all things to be grateful for, please know that you are among the things I not only count first… but twice. In witnessing your heartache, struggles, overwhelming strength & graceful resilience, you all inspire me in your own way to strive for my personal best and live bravely.

My legs may be doing the running but it’s my heart that makes it go the distance. Love you guys with all my heart, you know who you are.

Wishing everyone a beautiful new year ahead filled with new beginnings littered with little victories! Together, let’s run this to the finish line and group hug the sh*t out of discomfort. :p

Thank you all for the love today, my heart is grinning ear to ear with gums and all, XO

… Last but not least, OSF. Your kindness never fails to leave a permanent afterglow. I look forward to filling these blank pages with you.

She Is…

“I’m really not that strong.” She said.

With unwavering faith, she was deeply tested this year. She continued on with the intention of healing, doing better, good, to great.

It was not through the giving in or giving up, it was in the slug fest that no matter how tiring, painful, and impossible each day felt, she chose to get out of bed, throw herself into the ring, and swung with the energy, conviction, and belief that if she kept going, she would make it to the next round.

It was not in the short cuts or cutting of corners, it was in her that she knew she had to take the long way home knowing not where her next destination would be but she pressed on steering anyway. On she ventures aware this is what she wanted for herself no matter how long the road ahead stretched, how little fuel she felt she had left & how much she missed the ‘home’ that was him.

It was in her heart she knew it was still growing in spite of all the places it’s been broken. She never allowed it to stop mending because she understood where flowers grow, there had to be rain & where flowers bloom there must also be sunshine. It was in the mend she discovered the gravity of what all encompassing love is and in that, all is not lost.

It was in her heart, that her solid spirit remained intact, and her inner light shining bright even in the gloomiest of days and depth of winters.

“I’m really not that strong.” She said.

If you ask me, she is the face of strength & the ‘invincible summer’ just around the corner.

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Dearest J*******,

Like your smile, your heart is incredibly kind, resilient, & beautiful. You have a soul meant to shine. I so wish for you all the love, peace, and happiness in the stretch of road ahead. Here’s to creating new memories while forever cherishing the old…

Grateful to have you in my life – Happy BIG 30th my lovely friend, Mahal Kita!

Xoxo,
Terry

PS. Should Minimizer ever need help going up hill or run outta gas, please know that you will always have an entire army here to push him along the way annnnd we’ll even bring you the Premium stuff at 1.40/litre! We got you covered. xo