Junkie

Hi, my name is Terry and I am a recovering feelings addict.

I grew up craving for a fix every single day.

I was hungry for sentiments not expressed.

I was starving for the physical evidence & emotional proof that I was loved.

I didn’t know how hungry I was until I painfully realized I didn’t have the heart to stomach what I was not being fed by those responsible for me.

Perhaps I was fed, but it was barely enough to sustain and nourish my heart’s appetite.

If I was loved, it must have been spoken in a language I could not speak, read, write, nor understand.

I felt illiterate and intuitively knew this would be a subject I will be struggling with in life.

If it was sent in a message, I must have not received it, or received it too late, too soon, or in a way my self worth interpreted otherwise than it was intended it to be.

Then one day I looked in the mirror and it dawned on me: I had to find a way to fend for and feed myself.

And like all junkies do, I binged and got addicted to all things bad for me.

I got lost in chasing a feeling leaving all of my common senses behind.

I didn’t listen to my pain or admit that I needed help.

I abandoned anything that was honest enough to tell me I deserved better …and more.

I abandoned the one person who needed me most: Me.

It wasn’t until I got very sick that I had to learn what was unhealthy for my heart and my soul.

And so, I committed myself to sit in a chair 5 days a week and spoke honestly about my addiction, about who I was, … and I wrote about it.

I learned to pursue my purpose, not people.

I learned to stop chasing the false sense of security that never was, the so called “highs,” and how to embrace my sobriety in my own skin.

I learned to choose myself.

I learned how to choose love.

And above all, I learned how to choose to love me first.

I am now 32 years old, and 3 years clean.

Learning The Ropes

When woven rope becomes the thing in which you use to climb instead of a game of tug of war you can never win.

When the force of your own stubborn grip, leaves your hands completely scraped raw and scarred, baring the honest resemblance of all the reasons why you should no longer hold on.

You bare it.

Bare the familiar sting and you accept the nature of the injury as some sort of everyday comfort you breath in and out suffocating, as if the discomfort that was trying to tell you something worth learning wasn’t enough.

Pain whispers little grains of salt into your wounds challenging your heart’s threshold.

Did you learn?

Did you even listen?

When the illusion of the fruitful climb, is really the laws of gravity telling you the higher you climb, the harder you’ll fall.

When truth smacks you dab right in front of your face and tells you it’s who you climb for… more than why you climb.

Know the difference my dear.

Know that you can climb a mole hill or an entire mountain for someone and they still wouldn’t appreciate your efforts if they fail to appreciate you.

Here’s the thing, you have the be the reason you climb. Let the reason be you – For when you hold on, you know you’re holding on to your needs.

Respect yourself enough so that your knees won’t fall to beg, you will fall because you needed to learn and the rope was there all along to help you pull yourself up not intended to tie you down.

Is that enough reason for you to let go when it’s no longer worth holding on?

Or will you just loosen the grip until the pain forces your hand to release?

Will you release? Or will you wait for the pain to release you?

Whether the rope is used as a noose, the pull, or the climb: How hard you stubbornly choose to hold on, how gracefully you choose to let go, or how determined you are to use it for the climb… is for you to decide.

That’s the beauty and also the beast: Our decision is always our own to make.

So learn the ropes and use it accordingly.

3 Decades: Turning 30

Inside Job…

Discomfort found my ass this year, gave me a big unwelcomed bear hug and I learned to hug it back & not let it go.

30 has been all about running towards something – Literally. :p Of all places, I found comfort in the discomfort, and pride in the progress and consistency. Each kilometer has breathed life back into me. I no longer feel winded by the up hills, down hills, long distances, pressure, pace, or the daunting task of the first big step. Instead, the greatest little victories came in the form of every step I choose to continue to take there after that keeps me going strong. It has left me riding on a runner’s high that I refuse to come down from.

Little victories are not loud, glamorous, arrogant, shiny, flawless, simple, sweat proof, nor are they effortless & unearned with a 1st place red ribbon attached. They’re long winded, quiet, smelly, chaotic, sweaty, teary, laced with fears, trial and error, emotional, and full of effort often attached to some form of heartache & failure.

But the thing is though, I learned it is patiently waiting to be humbly earned, discovered, and cannot wait to give a great big ass bear hug to those willing to hug it back.

Victory becomes unconditional to those who have braved the storm and weathered the elements. Without a before, the after wouldn’t be as fruitful, rewarding, & sweet. We may look & smell like complete sh*t, but the evolution from the inside feels beautiful even in the midst of all the wind & rain whipping in our face reminding us the necessity of a downpour to splash us awake.

To everyone running your own course, faced with a long winding road ahead, & deeply tested this year… I too hope I can be as much support and love for you at the finish line as much as you have wholeheartedly been for me. Of all things to be grateful for, please know that you are among the things I not only count first… but twice. In witnessing your heartache, struggles, overwhelming strength & graceful resilience, you all inspire me in your own way to strive for my personal best and live bravely.

My legs may be doing the running but it’s my heart that makes it go the distance. Love you guys with all my heart, you know who you are.

Wishing everyone a beautiful new year ahead filled with new beginnings littered with little victories! Together, let’s run this to the finish line and group hug the sh*t out of discomfort. :p

Thank you all for the love today, my heart is grinning ear to ear with gums and all, XO

… Last but not least, OSF. Your kindness never fails to leave a permanent afterglow. I look forward to filling these blank pages with you.