Juxtapose

If someone were to ask me what I love about you, I would certainly mention how much you are the opposite of me. The funny instances how you kindly call dumbass people ‘weird’ then I chime in with my claws out, sink my nammer fangs in, and fill in all the expletives.

You are water. I am fire. You are calm. I am chaos. You are birds chirping on a sunny day. I am firecrackers at 6am on a Monday morning. You are a field of spring meadows. I am a dark alley after midnight. You are an upbeat rnb song. I am a melancholy indie track with side swept bangs. You are a slow and steady walk in the park. I am a maze in a rush. You are pretty easy going. I am ocd and stubborn af. You are unwavering positivity and patience. I am the middle finger stuck in traffic…hungry. You are simply so thoughtful and kind. I am … well lucky. hahaha

It’s in the power of these opposites that my darkness meets the spectrum of your light. That my circle of trust and valuable relationships are born and relishing of connections grow. And it is in the few similarities that we meet, hold hands, and are able to understand and wholeheartedly embrace all the contents our palms have held on to and let go of. It’s in the contrast that I learn most what we are about together and as singular individuals. The moments we drive each other bananas are also the most fruitful of ones. :p

Of all things that have scraped and scarred my palms, of all things my palms have learned to let go of, you make up for everything that wasn’t worth keeping and holding on to (and then some.)

From day one, I appreciate that I didn’t have to chip away at a single layer of ego or issue to get to your heart or to learn your story. It has always been wide open by choice, all accepting smiling back at me. We never had facades, just our flaws and raw honesty upfront: I adore how our imperfections sit comfortably in it’s own skin.

You are like my favorite pair of sweat pants, pj pants, legging pants, buffet pants, anything with an elastic waist band really. You lovingly accommodate my extra extra when the stretch is needed and are the most comfortable emotional attire I wear proudly. You make me feel like the most special pair of pants in a room full of dresses.

Above all, as I write this, I realise you are my heart’s most beautiful juxtapose. I am grateful knowing the other (very) different part of me is you.

Happy 34 my Alibae, wishing you another beautiful birthday and year ahead. XO

 

#34 #birthday #celebration #you #tna #manchestertan #lettuce #201

33

🎈33: thanks for the extra white hairs coming in, the assortment of fine (frown and laugh) lines in my expression, my molasses like metabolism, and the little surprises with the ache in my joints and spasm in my muscles. talk about body party. thanks for the humble reminder that everything I do to attempt to keep you healthy, is really to delay deterioration and how eating spicy ass food has it’s dire consequences. on a side note, thanks for my extra durable colon. Inspite of all the visible signs, I wouldn’t trade you for my teens nor twenties because teenagers smell weird and growing as a 30 something has been the best and most valuable years yet. You’ve taught me plenty in 2016. As a result, I feel more ‘planted’ than ever because my feet knows where it consciously chooses to stand, with my head and heart assertively leading the way.

I looked into the mirror this morning as you whispered softly “dim sum chicken feet” into my ears. With bated breath, I made it happen and chicken feet is what was had. dreams do come true. you’re welcome. :p

With no makeup and morning breath that can kill a house plant, it was still a solid feeling simply being able to recognize my own reflection not for it’s shell or external condition, but what I know to be true on the inside deep down into my bones. you’ve grounded me.

above all, the best (and hardest) lesson you teach me every single year as the years add on is that “the only way out is through.” there are no shortcuts and if there is one, it’s likely a cliff ahead without a warning sign, lol

here’s to another beautiful 365… Thanks alistair for a day of obesity eats & these blizzard cupcakes. xx

Junkie

Hi, my name is Terry and I am a recovering feelings addict.

I grew up craving for a fix every single day.

I was hungry for sentiments not expressed.

I was starving for the physical evidence & emotional proof that I was loved.

I didn’t know how hungry I was until I painfully realized I didn’t have the heart to stomach what I was not being fed by those responsible for me.

Perhaps I was fed, but it was barely enough to sustain and nourish my heart’s appetite.

If I was loved, it must have been spoken in a language I could not speak, read, write, nor understand.

I felt illiterate and intuitively knew this would be a subject I will be struggling with in life.

If it was sent in a message, I must have not received it, or received it too late, too soon, or in a way my self worth interpreted otherwise than it was intended it to be.

Then one day I looked in the mirror and it dawned on me: I had to find a way to fend for and feed myself.

And like all junkies do, I binged and got addicted to all things bad for me.

I got lost in chasing a feeling leaving all of my common senses behind.

I didn’t listen to my pain or admit that I needed help.

I abandoned anything that was honest enough to tell me I deserved better …and more.

I abandoned the one person who needed me most: Me.

It wasn’t until I got very sick that I had to learn what was unhealthy for my heart and my soul.

And so, I committed myself to sit in a chair 5 days a week and spoke honestly about my addiction, about who I was, … and I wrote about it.

I learned to pursue my purpose, not people.

I learned to stop chasing the false sense of security that never was, the so called “highs,” and how to embrace my sobriety in my own skin.

I learned to choose myself.

I learned how to choose love.

And above all, I learned how to choose to love me first.

I am now 32 years old, and 3 years clean.

Learning The Ropes

When woven rope becomes the thing in which you use to climb instead of a game of tug of war you can never win.

When the force of your own stubborn grip, leaves your hands completely scraped raw and scarred, baring the honest resemblance of all the reasons why you should no longer hold on.

You bare it.

Bare the familiar sting and you accept the nature of the injury as some sort of everyday comfort you breath in and out suffocating, as if the discomfort that was trying to tell you something worth learning wasn’t enough.

Pain whispers little grains of salt into your wounds challenging your heart’s threshold.

Did you learn?

Did you even listen?

When the illusion of the fruitful climb, is really the laws of gravity telling you the higher you climb, the harder you’ll fall.

When truth smacks you dab right in front of your face and tells you it’s who you climb for… more than why you climb.

Know the difference my dear.

Know that you can climb a mole hill or an entire mountain for someone and they still wouldn’t appreciate your efforts if they fail to appreciate you.

Here’s the thing, you have the be the reason you climb. Let the reason be you – For when you hold on, you know you’re holding on to your needs.

Respect yourself enough so that your knees won’t fall to beg, you will fall because you needed to learn and the rope was there all along to help you pull yourself up not intended to tie you down.

Is that enough reason for you to let go when it’s no longer worth holding on?

Or will you just loosen the grip until the pain forces your hand to release?

Will you release? Or will you wait for the pain to release you?

Whether the rope is used as a noose, the pull, or the climb: How hard you stubbornly choose to hold on, how gracefully you choose to let go, or how determined you are to use it for the climb… is for you to decide.

That’s the beauty and also the beast: Our decision is always our own to make.

So learn the ropes and use it accordingly.

365

There are good days and then there are bad days,
Then there are days with you.
I enjoy everything in that nothingness we so often, often do.
You make food taste better,
Love songs make beautiful sense,
Really bad days mild,
Better days amazing,
– All of my days a peaceful Sunday morning.

You are brunch on a sunny patio,
The cozy comforts of a fireplace on a cold winter’s day,
Sleeping in with no alarm clock,
– A piece of rich dark chocolate during my sugar low.

You are my hit of caffeine,
– The warmth of fresh laundry.
My strolls and sunsets.
Come nightfall, you are my heart’s resting place,
And I sleep soundly.

You are my skeptical ‘ifs’ turned into a matter of ‘whens’.
My “what ifs” into “I’m all in.”
You are the questions I didn’t need to study for,
I already knew the answers because your smile spelled yes, and yours eyes promised now.

I am eternally love’s struggling fumbling student but I’ve learned that love doesn’t give up as long as we are willing to show up for it. It is an uplifting heart based decision on whether we allow ourselves to feel it, give it, and receive it. Where love’s gravity, depth, & courage is measured in how much we allow ourselves to be seen, truly seen. Or whether or not the person is worth the chance, leap, and ultimately, how we choose to nurture each and every day together is a choice and what we make of that will be.

This 30’s something kind of love writes like sweet hand written notes, built and sewn together like all things home and handmade, and mindfully handpicked with objective palms and good intentions. And like all things made from scratch, I look forward to continue building what we have from the inside out with earnest hands, designing the blueprint using our hearts as the template.

Thank you for a great year of ups and ups Alistair & thank you for being so good(annnd patient :p) with me ~ How lucky I am to have found someone who makes all of the above apply. XO

Hard Work

I believe in HARD WORK.

I believe that people who do more and say less get shit done. I believe people who carry consistency and hard work on their backs are well aware that results come from the labor not the lazy. They have very little time for bullshit and b*tches. :p I believe that people like this know that anything worth having doesn’t come easy even when the ground feels like quick sand, they challenge that sinking feeling. I believe people who follow through even through the darkest of days is not only a reflection of who they are but the depth of their faith.

I’ve seen strong. It has an indestructible backbone. It’s opinion doesn’t hinder. It admits when its wrong, it stands up for what it believes to be right. It takes accountability and takes charge. It doesn’t compromise who it is for acceptance nor approval. It has many layers, and pillars helping it stand tall no matter what external elements try to tear it down or discourage it’s process. It is basically not to be f*cked with annnnnd has the nicest purse collection & hair. :p

Behind it’s fierceness also exists a softness that doesn’t make an appearance too often but when it does… its rare, special, and breathtakingly beautiful like a solar eclipse. It has the kind of heart that reminds me that beyond hard exteriors and behind tough words ALWAYS lies so much more than strength but what’s on the other side of the coin. It reminds me that such strength only exists because it’s been tested. And yes, when this kind of strength cries, it has the ability to move an entire house.

If you were to ask me, YOU represent all of the above.

It’s not every day that we see each other, but it’s in everyday that I know “You are the company you keep.” The quality of my thoughts is in large part who and what I surround myself with. You have always been a positive and bright setting in the backdrop.

We are all building our worlds quietly, constructing a life worth living. From a spectator’s point of view and where I stand, you’ve always simply knew where you stood in this world. And because you do, I don’t see anything or anyone deter you from where you are going and want to be. Strength, happiness, and a sense of who we are is a 24/7 inside job and must be earned. I can’t tell you how much I respect how hard you work, not just academically but on who you are as a person, designing the life you want. I know one person who would be especially proud of you today because you are a shining extension of her kindness, beauty…her.

Never stop SHINING Guuuurl, esp. with that conditioner you’re using. :p

You are three decades young and just getting started! Today I wish you the best of days and of course wishing you the most beautiful year ahead! ~ HAPPY DIRTY THIRTY HARPO!!! I know you have too much class but it won’t hurt to be a BIG DIRTY WHORE just for today! 😛 lol

XOXO ~ Terwinder

She Is…

“I’m really not that strong.” She said.

With unwavering faith, she was deeply tested this year. She continued on with the intention of healing, doing better, good, to great.

It was not through the giving in or giving up, it was in the slug fest that no matter how tiring, painful, and impossible each day felt, she chose to get out of bed, throw herself into the ring, and swung with the energy, conviction, and belief that if she kept going, she would make it to the next round.

It was not in the short cuts or cutting of corners, it was in her that she knew she had to take the long way home knowing not where her next destination would be but she pressed on steering anyway. On she ventures aware this is what she wanted for herself no matter how long the road ahead stretched, how little fuel she felt she had left & how much she missed the ‘home’ that was him.

It was in her heart she knew it was still growing in spite of all the places it’s been broken. She never allowed it to stop mending because she understood where flowers grow, there had to be rain & where flowers bloom there must also be sunshine. It was in the mend she discovered the gravity of what all encompassing love is and in that, all is not lost.

It was in her heart, that her solid spirit remained intact, and her inner light shining bright even in the gloomiest of days and depth of winters.

“I’m really not that strong.” She said.

If you ask me, she is the face of strength & the ‘invincible summer’ just around the corner.

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Dearest J*******,

Like your smile, your heart is incredibly kind, resilient, & beautiful. You have a soul meant to shine. I so wish for you all the love, peace, and happiness in the stretch of road ahead. Here’s to creating new memories while forever cherishing the old…

Grateful to have you in my life – Happy BIG 30th my lovely friend, Mahal Kita!

Xoxo,
Terry

PS. Should Minimizer ever need help going up hill or run outta gas, please know that you will always have an entire army here to push him along the way annnnd we’ll even bring you the Premium stuff at 1.40/litre! We got you covered. xo