Juxtapose

If someone were to ask me what I love about you, I would certainly mention how much you are the opposite of me. The funny instances how you kindly call dumbass people ‘weird’ then I chime in with my claws out, sink my nammer fangs in, and fill in all the expletives.

You are water. I am fire. You are calm. I am chaos. You are birds chirping on a sunny day. I am firecrackers at 6am on a Monday morning. You are a field of spring meadows. I am a dark alley after midnight. You are an upbeat rnb song. I am a melancholy indie track with side swept bangs. You are a slow and steady walk in the park. I am a maze in a rush. You are pretty easy going. I am ocd and stubborn af. You are unwavering positivity and patience. I am the middle finger stuck in traffic…hungry. You are simply so thoughtful and kind. I am … well lucky. hahaha

It’s in the power of these opposites that my darkness meets the spectrum of your light. That my circle of trust and valuable relationships are born and relishing of connections grow. And it is in the few similarities that we meet, hold hands, and are able to understand and wholeheartedly embrace all the contents our palms have held on to and let go of. It’s in the contrast that I learn most what we are about together and as singular individuals. The moments we drive each other bananas are also the most fruitful of ones. :p

Of all things that have scraped and scarred my palms, of all things my palms have learned to let go of, you make up for everything that wasn’t worth keeping and holding on to (and then some.)

From day one, I appreciate that I didn’t have to chip away at a single layer of ego or issue to get to your heart or to learn your story. It has always been wide open by choice, all accepting smiling back at me. We never had facades, just our flaws and raw honesty upfront: I adore how our imperfections sit comfortably in it’s own skin.

You are like my favorite pair of sweat pants, pj pants, legging pants, buffet pants, anything with an elastic waist band really. You lovingly accommodate my extra extra when the stretch is needed and are the most comfortable emotional attire I wear proudly. You make me feel like the most special pair of pants in a room full of dresses.

Above all, as I write this, I realise you are my heart’s most beautiful juxtapose. I am grateful knowing the other (very) different part of me is you.

Happy 34 my Alibae, wishing you another beautiful birthday and year ahead. XO

 

#34 #birthday #celebration #you #tna #manchestertan #lettuce #201

Muscle Memory

 

 

They say muscle memory is when a movement is repeated over time, a long-term muscle memory is created for that task, eventually allowing it to be performed without conscious effort.

It is also known that the hardest working cardiac muscle is the heart and it has the ability to beat over 3 billion times in a person’s life.

Now before this becomes all science – You my love, are my heart’s muscle memory.

From the very first “hi” on that rainy Thursday afternoon, I chose to use my heart with conscious effort (…with the help of my girls gina and tonicqua. :p)

You showed up and further molded and reshaped my heart. To my surprise, I found myself exercising and conditioning it in a way I never had it functioning before.

It remembers what you wore the first day we met, the first words you said, and how like me, awkwardly nervous you were too.

It remembers how I threw out my neck the day before our first date and it was stuck to the left, to the left, but nothing like beyonce.

It remembers our second date at the movies and how we saw Gone Girl… going in blind unaware of the plot and how I asked you afterwards “You sure you want another date?”

It remembers our third date – that time we went ice skating at Robson Square and you held your hands out to support me as I got an awkward view of your crotch the entire time and how ‘West End Willy’ tried to pick you up circling you like the ice fox that he is. Little did I know… your support would go far and beyond the ice.

It remembers the time we signed our renter’s lease and how our landlord spent a good hour telling us about her complex case of gout. Let’s never get gout please.

It remembers those dirty b*tches that lived there before us who made bleach my best friend. lol

It remembers and laughs at our newer-ish traditions especially ‘Story Time’ : How I chose a super serious somber excerpt and read it in my most Vietnamese accent possible.

It’s difficult for me to write these chapters of our story to you without sharing a ‘muscle memory’ because I use these as the weights I use to lift and strengthen my heart.

Only now, I do so without conscious effort.

Thank you for showing me that when used to it’s full potential and purpose, the heart is indeed the most beautiful and strongest muscle one can have.

And I’ve learned that living is just that, putting it to work until it feels what it was made to feel … one heartfelt muscle memory after the next.

I am feeling enormous gratitude for the past two years ~ Happy 2 Alibae. XO

 

#tna #201 #manchestertan #musclememory

V Day

… I’ve never been big on Hallmark Holidays (at all) but if loving you makes this day mean anything, then today means everything. Thank you for loving me in the subtle ways my heart didn’t know it needed to be. In the softer, cozy, smell good dryer sheets kinda way an abrasive girl like me needs.

I reflect often & find our love in the most peculiar of places: In puddles staring back at me when I look down, calling on me to be the best self reflection I can possibly be because you deserve that much. In the sky when I look up, on days when the sky simply can’t decide if it wants to be a beautiful clear blue, grey, or both. I see you…us… in the weather down to the dew drops. On paper when my hands take on a life of it’s own in an inspiration’s notice and I have the write of way. In the quiet moments when noise surrenders to sound letting feelings speak for themselves. When clouds kindly give way to sunshine exposing your warm smile, … and in the every day we choose each other. You make me see life & beauty where I least expect it even on days my glass feels half empty, & I’m moody, bloated, & bitchy. :p

We are a reflection after all, of who we choose to love and the people who choose to love us back is simply a mirror with a beating heart.

… And with you, I am never too shy nor afraid to bring the giant cheese platter no matter how lactose intolerant you are. :p #seewhatididthere #cheeseforcheese #fondueparrttyyy

If I’ve learned anything about love… if it doesn’t scare me a little or a whole lot, surrender to the bowls of breakfast bullsheit I serve myself on a daily all thanks to that sly hoe known as fear, make me a better human being, challenge my insides, and make me wanna shit in my pants a little on occasion… it’s probably not that potent. :p I choose shitting in my pants over and again if that means you are the reason.

~ Happy Hallmark my Love.

To love… to cheese… good smelling dryer sheets… and pants shitting. XO

365

There are good days and then there are bad days,
Then there are days with you.
I enjoy everything in that nothingness we so often, often do.
You make food taste better,
Love songs make beautiful sense,
Really bad days mild,
Better days amazing,
– All of my days a peaceful Sunday morning.

You are brunch on a sunny patio,
The cozy comforts of a fireplace on a cold winter’s day,
Sleeping in with no alarm clock,
– A piece of rich dark chocolate during my sugar low.

You are my hit of caffeine,
– The warmth of fresh laundry.
My strolls and sunsets.
Come nightfall, you are my heart’s resting place,
And I sleep soundly.

You are my skeptical ‘ifs’ turned into a matter of ‘whens’.
My “what ifs” into “I’m all in.”
You are the questions I didn’t need to study for,
I already knew the answers because your smile spelled yes, and yours eyes promised now.

I am eternally love’s struggling fumbling student but I’ve learned that love doesn’t give up as long as we are willing to show up for it. It is an uplifting heart based decision on whether we allow ourselves to feel it, give it, and receive it. Where love’s gravity, depth, & courage is measured in how much we allow ourselves to be seen, truly seen. Or whether or not the person is worth the chance, leap, and ultimately, how we choose to nurture each and every day together is a choice and what we make of that will be.

This 30’s something kind of love writes like sweet hand written notes, built and sewn together like all things home and handmade, and mindfully handpicked with objective palms and good intentions. And like all things made from scratch, I look forward to continue building what we have from the inside out with earnest hands, designing the blueprint using our hearts as the template.

Thank you for a great year of ups and ups Alistair & thank you for being so good(annnd patient :p) with me ~ How lucky I am to have found someone who makes all of the above apply. XO

All We Have Is Now…

If you unwrapped my heart, you would see that I have lots of shelf room left. You have found where you fit and have settled in nicely. You don’t take up much room but now that spot has become solely yours, and I’m not sure what can possibly decorate the space better in the way you have where you are on display. On the shelf beside you, is a book with a story about us I’ve written for your eyes only. With you, each noun, adjective, verb comes easy and it’s as though words cascade across a page like art on a canvass. I feel light and the sentences form with ease and just flow as though I am the words and you are the letters. The letters reside in a beautifully placed white envelope snuggled between the pages known as the present. And when I unfold to see what’s inside, my hands begin to soak in all that is tangible about you. My heart feels the word ‘Happy’ and my eyes take hold of the word ‘Now.’ And as difficult as it is to not worry being the worry wart that I notoriously am, I’ve learned that now is all we have. I am grateful you’ve become a significant chapter of my story and that we’ve landed on the same page at the right time. We’ve both worked hard individually to get to where we stand. Let’s continue to earn our keep with the addition of filling these pages with you’s & I’s, and words that rhyme with ‘lettuce.’ :p

Thank you for making my nows feel incredibly happy & the joy you bring to me on a daily. Wishing you a beautiful year ahead…

Happy Birthday Alistair! xo

3 Decades: Turning 30

Inside Job…

Discomfort found my ass this year, gave me a big unwelcomed bear hug and I learned to hug it back & not let it go.

30 has been all about running towards something – Literally. :p Of all places, I found comfort in the discomfort, and pride in the progress and consistency. Each kilometer has breathed life back into me. I no longer feel winded by the up hills, down hills, long distances, pressure, pace, or the daunting task of the first big step. Instead, the greatest little victories came in the form of every step I choose to continue to take there after that keeps me going strong. It has left me riding on a runner’s high that I refuse to come down from.

Little victories are not loud, glamorous, arrogant, shiny, flawless, simple, sweat proof, nor are they effortless & unearned with a 1st place red ribbon attached. They’re long winded, quiet, smelly, chaotic, sweaty, teary, laced with fears, trial and error, emotional, and full of effort often attached to some form of heartache & failure.

But the thing is though, I learned it is patiently waiting to be humbly earned, discovered, and cannot wait to give a great big ass bear hug to those willing to hug it back.

Victory becomes unconditional to those who have braved the storm and weathered the elements. Without a before, the after wouldn’t be as fruitful, rewarding, & sweet. We may look & smell like complete sh*t, but the evolution from the inside feels beautiful even in the midst of all the wind & rain whipping in our face reminding us the necessity of a downpour to splash us awake.

To everyone running your own course, faced with a long winding road ahead, & deeply tested this year… I too hope I can be as much support and love for you at the finish line as much as you have wholeheartedly been for me. Of all things to be grateful for, please know that you are among the things I not only count first… but twice. In witnessing your heartache, struggles, overwhelming strength & graceful resilience, you all inspire me in your own way to strive for my personal best and live bravely.

My legs may be doing the running but it’s my heart that makes it go the distance. Love you guys with all my heart, you know who you are.

Wishing everyone a beautiful new year ahead filled with new beginnings littered with little victories! Together, let’s run this to the finish line and group hug the sh*t out of discomfort. :p

Thank you all for the love today, my heart is grinning ear to ear with gums and all, XO

… Last but not least, OSF. Your kindness never fails to leave a permanent afterglow. I look forward to filling these blank pages with you.